emotears07

Wow its been forever since I've been on this thing...crazy i miss it ive been tied up with xanga..but i like this much better!
Heres my new pic!

HA..im getting a new name...i just noticed mine is really lame....( that rhymes haha )

wow lots of stuff has happend.....my dad is going to AA so thats pretty awesome my mom is sucha bitch she called me up friday morning just bitching me out because i took my charger to my dads....shes like you fucken take everything of mine all my make up blah blah blah..yeha i take her make up thats why i have my own...??? shes such a psycho bitch shes like if i cant use my phone you cant use yours so i get up becasue i was sleeping and i whip my phone across the kitchen...my dads like whoa ! what are you doing...and then my moms like give the fucken phone to your dad im like i am...then she calls my dads phone and is bitchign to him....grrr...then later that night i had to babysit and the lady only had my cell phone number so i had it on i didnt use it for anything else but to answer her calls....so then sunday morning i forgot to turn it off and my mom tried two waying me and calls my dad and starts bitching at me again shes like I DONT CARE IF YOU HAD TO FUCKEN BABYSIT I TOOK THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOU THEY SHOULDNT HAVE WENT OUT....yeah people she doesnt even know shouldnt have went out because my mom wanted a stupid fucking charger

( burn baby burn )

My mom's cancer might of came back :( im really scared, i dont want to go through this shit again, i dont want her to, last time it was horrible i just gave up and i left her there with a new born baby :( i feel like such a bitch, no wonder she yells at me all the time, shes right i never do anything right, i always think about myself, ;( what a selfish girl i am. Then she told me if i cut myself agian shed give up on me and kick me out. :( Its gonna be so hard not to if she goes through it i dont want to leave and thats the only way i have to escape.
and two weaks ago my dad got drunk again and hurt me (again)...:( i feel like such a bastard(ette) for believing him, i dont even want him in my life ne more but i gotta go to flordia with him and hes gonna get wasted there, he just doesnt get why i get so mad..i mean do i have a right to....he calls me all the time and acts like everythings perfect. I want to move away... i think i might

Yup ..he couldnt even go a week without it. He says he didnt even remember swearing to god he wouldnt. im like you fucking liar when i left you told me you you promised. GRRR hes like amber you dont have to worry about me. Im like i dont worry bout you im worring about me . do you want me to keep cutting. he found a knife in my room hes like why is my knife in ur room im like umm..i had to cut the tags off my new clothes hes like let me check ur arms...but i cut on the by my shoulder so he didnt see. Grr he pisses me off.

Well my psychologist asked me to write my dad a note and said i could swear in it as much as i wanted so i did lol and friday i had to bring it and read it to him so i did. He said it was Really good and i should give it to him but write more. Well right after i left from there i went to my dads and we walked in and my dad was drinking :( my moms like what is that ! and he was drunk hes like THAT is an adult bevarage and my mom pulled me in my room shes like ARE YOU GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS I DONT WANT YOU TO CUT URSELF AGAIN im like no i wont ill talk to him shes like you better not so i promised her blah blah yeah. Well my dad didnt know what was going on because over thanksgiving when he was drinking i cut myself and my mom saw it but he didnt know and his freind was over so i wasnt gonna tell him then but of course my dads liek yeah ambers a cutter GRRRR it pissed me off so much. I mean his freind was pretty cool but i dont like to flaunt it. Its my problem. well then he left so i told my dad what happend and why my mom was pissed hes like you still do it. IM like sometimes. then he just kind of forgot about it and kept drinking and he started grabbing my arm and squessing my hand and twisting it and i told him to stop but he wouldnt i probably told him to stop like 500 hundred times no joke and he wouldnt so i got pissed and went to my room. Well i had the note with me so i thought wow im just gonna give it to him now. So i did and i went back in my room then like 10 minutes later i came back out and he fricken asked me to pour him a drink. IM LIKE DID YOU EVEN READ MY LETTER ARE YOU STUPID and then hes like amber im so dissapointed in you :( that kind of made me sad.so i started crying and i really felt like cutting but i called my friend chris and started bawling to him and hes like amber you are so beatuiful he should not treat you like this you are so much better and he should be treating you like a beautiful princess" and a lot more but yeah he made me feel a lot better so i went out there again. Then he started grabbing my arm even harder cuz i had a cig and he wanted it and he made me drop it and i burnt myself and i was fighting with him so i couldnt pick it up right away so it just sat there on my leg and he gave me a few bruises he was just joking around but i still told him to stop so i started crying hes like aww ur such a cry baby im like you knwo what dad JUST STOP ..hes like stop what ..IM LIKE EVERYTHING IRRITATING ME AND DRINKING. YOUR KILLING ME DO YOU WANT ME TO QUIT CUTTING DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP , CUTTING JUST GAVE ME A FEW SCARS LOOK WAHT DRINKING DID TO YOU IT PUT YOU IN A WHEEL CHAIR SO HOW AM I THE ONE THAT NEEDS HELP. YOOUR KILLING ME DAD YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ME. Then he started bawling and hes like amber i swear to God im gonna quit drinking and all this.
Im not gonna get my hopes up tho cuz everytime he says that i get let down.

I started it up again :(. I have to tho i feel so fat lately geeze esepcially with all these beautiful gorgeous skinny girls at my school...:( its sickinging i know but i have to. I wish my dad would go to bed so i can cuz i jsut keep eating more thats more im gonna have to puke up :( im so dissapointed in myself

Yeah I have the biggest headache in the world no thanks to my mom. she fricken spazzed on the phone because it was 10 minutes after school so i called her and she started SCREAMING at me so i just pulled the phone away. YAH i hate her i really do ..i dont wish shed die or anythign i just wish she would quit being her. she really makes me feel like shit .
Hmm and when she picks me up from kaylies im gonna hear more screaming. Gosh i wish i could drive and have a car already.
My friend kaylies spazzing becuase she has to get her blood drawn..but i dont blame her i would too.

yeah i havnt written a lot in a really long time so im going deep..

lifes okay its getting better im seeing a psychiatrist every monday..its helping my mom out a lot shes not being sucha bitch lately. I really wanna get on depression pills but he says that theres really bad side affects and i dont care ..people that dont even fuckin need them are on them so that just kinda pissed me off.

Things with kaylie are getting better shes not so naughty anymore but what made me sad is when she got mad at my poem that just made me so upset cuz it wasnt that mean it wasnt mean at all so im sittin here crying in 7th hour and everyones asking me whats wrong.
oh well i guess i never do anything right.

Jamie- whoa i love her so much and yesterday she told me some pretty crazy news i was just really shocked but im glad she told me and i love her so much but i dont know how to act around her now..i mean things are gonna be so much differet and i we cant talk about the same things any more but im not as shocked as i thought i would be.

dad- yeah hes def an alcholic im gonna go to an alateen meeting with my youth group leader on monday so i hope that goes okay im really nervous cuz i dont like to talk about him that much.

Yesterday i was kinda sad but it was really cute because i went to this bible study with some of my friends. there all so beautiful and gorgeous so i felt kinda out of place. but then i was having a sad night and so brad called me (my best friends boyfriend) hes such a nice boy holy crap . but yeah kaylie takes him for granit but ne ways then i kaylie talked to me and today she made me a present it was so cute and i wrote her a poem a long time ago and i gave it to her and she was mad! i was so sad i started crying. yeah i have a cold that makes me feel 10 times worse i really wanna kill myself today .

Put your hand on my heart
fix the parts that youve torn apart
Put your lips by my ear
whisper the things id die to hear
put your shoulder by my side
so my head can have a secure place to reside
Put your arms around my waist
so i dont feel so out of place
Put your fingers by my lips, as you hold up my head
hush the words that dont need to be said
Put your love with me before you leave
your always the first one to decive
im not sure when your gonna go
but your love, i just want to know
i just want to hear you whisper you love me
but your love is making me so lonely


.....by amber /MUAH

Today was so crappy ...my dad went to one of his friends parties and i went with him and i really didnt want to go because i knew there was gonna be drinking.. hes like dont worry i wont drink that much im going to church tomorrow...well yeah he got drunk off his ass and it pissed me off and then they started smoking pot aroudn me and little kids!! Like a baby that was 8 months..it pisses me off because if you did something that almost killed you ..would you start doing it again.
And when he drinks it makes me feel like he doesnt care about his life and i should be his life so there for he doesnt care about me :(
So yeah not a good day.

Yeah well i did it again.. on my feet and stomach..it hurt so bad today tho cuz my pants were rubbing up against the cuts and i almost started crying. yeah well im seeing a therapist on monday and im really scared. God, i wish i could stop but its so hard, and i tried baning my wrists but its just not the same :( yeah well ttyl bye

Hey yeah well it talked to my dad's friend lynn and shes gonna try and get me depression pills which i really want cuz my mom thinks i dont need them. she pisses me off so much i think i make her ashamed or something. YEAH WELL I GOT BAPTIZED YESTERDAY i feel so special! i love jesus :)

Omg ..crappy week...yeah i did it again cut myself ..it was bad...i couldnt stop it was crazy i just kept doing it..and so i had to wear a sweatshirt all the time and its hot so i told my mom so she wouldnt ask cuz i wanted to wear a tshirt and when i told her shes like ARE YOU MENTAL OR SOMETHING..thanks mom love you too. yeah that made me feel like a bag of shit i knew she would get mad at me i hate telling her stuff like that :( gosh i just feel so alone

MY DADDY GOT A NEW COMPUTER omg its so beautiful I HAVE A MOUSE NOW hahah yeah well i love it bye

My daddy moved into a trailer park from a big house so im kinda sad:( i dont like it theres no carpet and theres bees everywhere..and the toilet clogged 3 tiems all over the bathroom floor and just guess who had to clean it up every time :( yesh me! it was sickning. My room is small but the good thing is i watched finding nemo today !! I will call him squishy and he shall be mine! Yes but now im spending the night at my grammys and she has a nice puter so im happy :) i couldnt sleep last night i felt like there were bugs crawlling all over me ..but there wasnt and its like a self mind thing hahah and it was BURNING UP bah so yeah i knwo im a copmlaner but i must.
love amber

Hey COLORADO STORY LOL .. WELL THERES 2
okay first one is when we were at the airport kaylie amy and myself were walking around and me and kaylie wanted a frapacinno from starbucks so we found a starbucks but they didtn have them there so we went to ben and jerrys and they had them but they were out of milk so me and kaylie asked if we bought some milk would they make some for us so we bought two chugs which is 3 dollars for both of them and the lady made 3 frapacinnos for free shes like since you ladies bought your own milk you can have them for free hahah so thats 15 dollars worth of fraps and we only had to pay 3 dollars.

OKAY NEXT STORY
Sarah and I went shoppin and theres this little miny mall type thing it was wierd and there was a psychic there and i was like OOO I WANNA GET MY PSYCHIC READ and shes like later so we come back and theres a little room (really little) and its her little fortune hut hahah and sarahs like i wanna see what it looks like inside and she didnt think ne one was in there and so she peaks in and then the psychic lady pops up and sarah screamed and scared her and shes like YOU LITTLE BITCH and shes cussin her out so we run to another store and the psychic lady comes in (not because of us) and i got im sorry we screamed and shes like never in my 17 years of being there has that happend to me blah blah blah im like arent you suppost to be psychic you should of known we weret here hahah and walked out. it was great

Hey !! Sorry I havnt wrote it a really long time but i went to colorado for 5 days for convention. Omg it was great i got so much more closer to God! There was this speaker there that i really liked and i went to two of her seminars and she told me the story about peter walking on the water. When he kept his eyes on jesus he was fine but then he started noticing his situation aruond him and started sinking but then jesus came and pulled him back up and she just put that into my perspective about my own life how i need to keep my eyes on jesus and not the situation. i have her email address and im really excited to right to her cuz she lives in grand rapids too! GOD BLESS!